I’ve had a great deal of stress over the last few weeks, and with each passing day I feel my anxiety bubbling closer to the surface as we quickly approach what would have been Ava’s first birthday. I was keeping it pretty well hidden until last week when I sat in my boss’s office unable to hold myself together any longer, defeated and crying with my head in my lap. I wrote this a few months ago and never posted it. Not sure why it didn’t make it to “published” status but I’m doing some spring (or stress) cleaning today and found this little gem. Last week my boss told me “you’re doing a better job than you think you are.” After signing off final approval on the design for Ava’s headstone today I needed a reminder of how far I’ve come and some inspiration to keep going:

I never knew how strong I was until Ava died and I had no other choice. I spent my days forcing myself to be brave, to be strong, and to survive. After four months I wasn’t sure I could do it anymore, so I decided to prove to myself that I could. I didn’t want to be strong out of necessity anymore, I wanted to be strong because I truly was. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and cringe at my reflection. I didn’t want to stare in the face of a grieving mother still trapped in maternity clothes and “fat jeans,” so almost four months after she died I made a choice to change. I started exercising almost daily and stopped trying to fill the void in my heart with food because wallowing in my misery wasn’t working. I started to see my body change and before I knew it I boxed up my maternity clothes and “fat jeans.” I got up early before work to exercise and my body started to change drastically. I feel stronger and more confident in my skin than I have ever felt before and that strength is contagious throughout my body and soul.

Exercise has become my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. Every bead of sweat carries with it my pain and my anger and my fear. Every time I exercise the endorphins flow through me and I feel a sense of euphoric release. Every workout allows me to let go of everything that has happened, and the anxiety that keeps me awake at night melts away. I am no longer a quaking house of straw fearful of the next gust of wind. I am a house of bricks and I am unbreakable. I am ready to take on the world.