I’ve been quiet for the last month. Well, at least on the blog front. Life has been moving at an incredibly fast past and it’s been hard for me to keep up. I haven’t made time for writing and to be honest, I haven’t really been sure what to say. The month of guest posts was incredible. I have been humbled by the strength and grace shown by those who wrote submissions. I am honored to know such incredible people…
My last guest post came in a few hours before the end of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and it feels fitting to end this series of guest posts by letting my husband have the last word. When I decided to invite guests to post on my blog I decided to refrain from adding my own commentary in the introductions so that you may all form your own opinion. It is hard not to comment on this one so…
Some days I struggle. Most days I can put Ava into a safe place in my heart and hold her there while I continue living a life with purpose and full of happiness, but some days I can’t. Some days I just hurt too much to come out of the shadows, and when I wake up in the morning I wish I could go back to sleep until the pain was over. Some days I just really struggle. And though those…
It’s been over a year and I still don’t go more than a few hours without thinking about Ava. Some days I feel OK, “normal,” like myself again. Then there’s days that I still feel like I can’t function. Like the other day at work. I completely lost it. I got triggered by a patient and I couldn’t recover. As soon as I would feel like I was close to being able to get through the day a different patient…
365 days after Ava died I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling in the wind. The sun was barely starting to rise and everyone else, Travis, Logan, and my dad, were all still asleep. I burrowed deep into my sleeping bag letting the relief wash over me. I had made it. I had survived the worst year of my life, the first year after my baby died. I closed my eyes and drifted off to…
We left the hospital on Thursday and buried our daughter that following Sunday. The days in between are somewhat of a mystery in my memory, but there are a few events I’m certain of. The first was the preparation for Ava’s funeral.
When I first arrived at the hospital I was terrified of the uncertain future we faced. I had no idea how long we would be staying and I was preparing to be trapped there for months if it meant saving our baby. I remember spending the drive to Denver brainstorming up ways I could keep my job by working remotely from a hospital bed, and trying to come up with childcare plans for Logan. At some point in our drive,…
I haven’t written in awhile and there are still a few parts of Ava’s story remaining that I haven’t shared. These are the parts and the details I want to put down on “paper” before too much time passes and I forget them. For the next few posts, I’m going to continue telling the rest of Ava’s story because I need to make sure it is complete. If not for your sake, or hers, then for mine… After spending a few days…
After a cold and dreary few weeks, it now officially feels like spring. The snow has long melted and almost overnight the grass has turned into a bright, lively green after what felt like weeks of rain. The tree branches are full of swollen buds with the promise of new life to come. The sun is shining, the clouds have cleared. For months I have been longing for the sweet smells of fresh cut grass and morning dew. I walk…
Last week we decided to move. We weren’t really actively looking for a house or considering a move anytime soon, but I stumbled on a listing for a house and five days later we found ourselves under contract. It wasn’t totally surprising to me. We’ve always known that our current home is not where we want to be forever, and well, the timing just seems right. We debated the purchase for a few days until Travis ultimately reminded me that…