When people learn about Ava it only takes a few minutes before they ask me if I think we’ll every try again. I never knew what to say to that. When I was in the hospital and still pregnant I announced with absolute certainty that there was no way I was ever going to do this again. It was hell. I couldn’t imagine ever willingly putting myself in that position for a second time. Travis agreed. The day after Ava…
I got pretty behind on posting so playing some major catch up on the blog as the story has continued and I’ve still got a lot to say…. Right after Ava died the doctors at the hospital offered me anti-depressants. I immediately refused. There is no doubt I was absolutely and crushingly depressed, but I didn’t think medication was going to be the answer. I didn’t have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I didn’t have an illness that…
I have been trying to write this story and this post for about 14 months. Every time I sit down to do it I just can’t seem to find the right words and my opinion of God continues to change daily, but if I edit it anymore it will never be posted. Still not sure I’ve gotten it quite right yet, but it’s such an important piece of our story that needs to be shared that ready or not, here…
365 days after Ava died I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling in the wind. The sun was barely starting to rise and everyone else, Travis, Logan, and my dad, were all still asleep. I burrowed deep into my sleeping bag letting the relief wash over me. I had made it. I had survived the worst year of my life, the first year after my baby died. I closed my eyes and drifted off to…
We left the hospital on Thursday and buried our daughter that following Sunday. The days in between are somewhat of a mystery in my memory, but there are a few events I’m certain of. The first was the preparation for Ava’s funeral.
After a cold and dreary few weeks, it now officially feels like spring. The snow has long melted and almost overnight the grass has turned into a bright, lively green after what felt like weeks of rain. The tree branches are full of swollen buds with the promise of new life to come. The sun is shining, the clouds have cleared. For months I have been longing for the sweet smells of fresh cut grass and morning dew. I walk…
I’ve had a great deal of stress over the last few weeks, and with each passing day I feel my anxiety bubbling closer to the surface as we quickly approach what would have been Ava’s first birthday. I was keeping it pretty well hidden until last week when I sat in my boss’s office unable to hold myself together any longer, defeated and crying with my head in my lap. I wrote this a few months ago and never posted…
I haven’t written in quite some time. Well, actually, just a few weeks but when riding an emotional roller coaster a few weeks feels like an eternity. I’m not really sure why I’ve been absent. It isn’t due to a lack of things to write about, anyone who knows me will tell you I rarely fall short when it comes to words, but it almost seems to be the exact opposite. I think I have too much to say. Lately,…