Last week was Thanksgiving, and surprisingly, this year I felt more gratitude than I ever have before. My first instinct is to say that I’m grateful despite everything that has happened to me this year, but truthfully, I think I’m more grateful because of what happened. Ava’s death gave me the opportunity to see firsthand what I already knew in my heart; I am incredibly blessed. Today I would like to really look outside of my grief for a moment and express my gratitude for my greatest blessings, the people in my life.

The famous advice from Mr. Rogers says when you see a tragic event or a disaster on the news you should look for helpers. “There’s always someone who is trying to help,” he told us. I don’t need to look hard for the helpers in my life, Ava’s death revealed them. Even before she was born we were surrounded by love and support from the moment we found out that there was a problem. When we had to immediately drop everything and drive to Denver Travis was in the middle of a shift but his co-workers didn’t bat an eye telling him to just go, and before we left town they sent us with hugs and a warm meal to take with us on our drive. It was the first of many gestures that I will never forget. My best friend Tracy who was at my bedside immediately, my parents who drove through the night to be with us every step of the way, the nurses, the doctors, my husband, my sister, they were in the spotlight but there were more, so many more people that were with us. The first day in the hospital, Travis’ mom organized an e-mail list and sent updates to family and friends which prompted an immediate influx of prayers, love, jokes (as we requested), and support from all over the world, and from that moment on we were never alone. We were surrounded by our helpers.

When Ava died my world stopped for a while. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t take care of myself or my family but I never really realized it because our helpers took over. Before I was even discharged from the hospital my mother-in-law found a Rabbi near our home to help us with the funeral and she also took care of the death notice for the paper. My parents took care of all of us, but especially Logan. My supervisors at work initiated and completed the paperwork that put me on medical leave then called to tell me it was done before it even crossed my mind to start it. My friend and wonderful co-worker donated vacation time to me so I could spend an extra two weeks healing without worrying about my job. My incredible friend, Krista, immediately organized a meal train and kept us fed from the night we got home and through the entire summer by friends and even strangers in our community that wanted to help. The day after we returned home, one of our friends spent the day with Travis building a beautiful casket for our daughter. The day after that the Firefighter’s Union showed up with a financial gift which paid for funeral expenses and left us completely speechless. And the day after that we laid our daughter to rest with an entire community standing behind us.

The days that followed were filled with calls and texts and e-mails and cards and donations in Ava’s memory to The March of Dimes. Then there was the constant stream of visitors that flew in from around the country to make sure I wasn’t alone when Travis went back to work. To everyone that sent a text, an e-mail, a card, a facebook post, to everyone that made a phone call, made a donation, sent a meal, said a prayer or sent a thought, and to you reading this now, even those I’ve never met, you are one of my helpers and one of my many blessings. Life has continued going on around me for the last six months, but my friends and family and community showed up to carry me through until I was able to stand on my own. For this, I am blessed. For you I am grateful. Without you, I surely would have fallen.

Some days I still do stumble, but my blessings are always there. I have an amazing family that is here when I need them, and I always knew I was lucky to end up with awesome in-laws but now I know how truly lucky I am. I have a mother-in-law that unfortunately knows my pain all too well and she has been able to put aside her own grief to help pull me out of my own. She has cried with me and been a sounding board for the rollercoaster of emotions I experience on a daily basis. I have always been in awe of her strength but now I know she is truly a warrior. She gives me hope that I too will survive this pain. I am grateful that I have her to look up to and that I am able to draw from her strength, as well the strength from my aunt who has also buried a daughter. She too been kind enough to share her story with me and to listen to mine. She is another shining example that yes, life does go on. And as I share my story more and reach out to others more I am blessed to meet hundreds of other women that have buried their babies. I have met some of the most inspiring women that have helped bring me some light on this dark journey and now I am blessed to be able to start shining that light as a source for other grieving mothers. I wish that none of us had to belong to the club, but I am so grateful that I am not alone and I am grateful that I can help.

Some days no matter what I do the grief takes over and I start to feel like I am drowning. Those are the days reserved for Travis. My husband, my partner, my absolute best friend in the world. He is loving, and kind, and compassionate, and he will listen to me grieve for as long as it takes, and he isn’t afraid to cry with me. He has held our family together for the last six months. It is easy for me to see how losing a child can destroy a marriage, I am grateful that it has only served to strengthen our bond. Ava let me see how blessed I am to have her father as my husband.

But then there are those days when it doesn’t matter what my friends say or what my family thinks or what my husband does, I simply cannot breathe as the grief fills my chest and I sink deeper and deeper. Those rare occasions are when I am the most grateful for my most incredible blessing, my son, Logan. As if he instinctively knows, on those days Logan will cuddle up next to me and tell me I’m beautiful or that he loves me. Sometimes he won’t say anything as he showers me with hugs and sloppy toddler kisses, and suddenly my heart is filled with light and I float to the surface, and the darkness unwraps itself from my chest, and I breathe out my grief. From the moment he was born, Logan has been the light of my life. I have always known he was special, so much so that when we dreamed of having another child we hoped for her to have the same qualities as Logan. I don’t know who Ava would have been, or what traits she would have shared with her brother, but she made him feel like twice the blessing he is. There is not a moment in my life, not even when he’s not on his best behavior, that I am not grateful for the gift that is Logan. There is nothing more I can write about him, there are no words to express my gratitude. One day I will thank him and tell him the story of how he saved my life.

But for my daughter, my tiny Ava Scarlet, I too am grateful. I am grateful for the moments I felt her move inside of me, and for the quiet moments we shared together in the dark of the night when I would lay awake worrying and she would nudge my belly as if to say, “go to sleep, mom.” I am grateful that she felt my touch and the warmth of my skin on her cheek, and heard my words of love and adoration as her tiny heart stopped beating. I am grateful for her few short minutes of life that forever changed mine. I am grateful she was here to give me a chance to look for the helpers and appreciate the incredible people and blessings in my life. I am grateful to my daughter who gave me the gift of gratitude.