365 days after Ava died I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling in the wind. The sun was barely starting to rise and everyone else, Travis, Logan, and my dad, were all still asleep. I burrowed deep into my sleeping bag letting the relief wash over me. I had made it. I had survived the worst year of my life, the first year after my baby died. I closed my eyes and drifted off to…
We left the hospital on Thursday and buried our daughter that following Sunday. The days in between are somewhat of a mystery in my memory, but there are a few events I’m certain of. The first was the preparation for Ava’s funeral.
When I first arrived at the hospital I was terrified of the uncertain future we faced. I had no idea how long we would be staying and I was preparing to be trapped there for months if it meant saving our baby. I remember spending the drive to Denver brainstorming up ways I could keep my job by working remotely from a hospital bed, and trying to come up with childcare plans for Logan. At some point in our drive,…
I haven’t written in awhile and there are still a few parts of Ava’s story remaining that I haven’t shared. These are the parts and the details I want to put down on “paper” before too much time passes and I forget them. For the next few posts, I’m going to continue telling the rest of Ava’s story because I need to make sure it is complete. If not for your sake, or hers, then for mine… After spending a few days…
After a cold and dreary few weeks, it now officially feels like spring. The snow has long melted and almost overnight the grass has turned into a bright, lively green after what felt like weeks of rain. The tree branches are full of swollen buds with the promise of new life to come. The sun is shining, the clouds have cleared. For months I have been longing for the sweet smells of fresh cut grass and morning dew. I walk…
Last week we decided to move. We weren’t really actively looking for a house or considering a move anytime soon, but I stumbled on a listing for a house and five days later we found ourselves under contract. It wasn’t totally surprising to me. We’ve always known that our current home is not where we want to be forever, and well, the timing just seems right. We debated the purchase for a few days until Travis ultimately reminded me that…
I’ve had a great deal of stress over the last few weeks, and with each passing day I feel my anxiety bubbling closer to the surface as we quickly approach what would have been Ava’s first birthday. I was keeping it pretty well hidden until last week when I sat in my boss’s office unable to hold myself together any longer, defeated and crying with my head in my lap. I wrote this a few months ago and never posted…
Two weeks and three days after Ava died we were on an airplane to Minnesota where we had both grown up. One of Travis’ best friends from childhood was getting married and we had been planning this trip for months. We were going to see our families, Logan would get to play with his cousins and we were even going to have our first overnight out while Logan stayed with my parents. We decided it would be nice to be…
So what happened? I’m sure it’s the question on everyone’s minds. I know it’s all I’ve been able to think about for the last eight months. What the hell happened? I feel like its the first thing people are thinking when they see me but no one has the courage to ask. I’ve thought about writing this post over a hundred times but I’ve held off in hopes that I will have more information to share with you. I’ve spent…
I haven’t written in quite some time. Well, actually, just a few weeks but when riding an emotional roller coaster a few weeks feels like an eternity. I’m not really sure why I’ve been absent. It isn’t due to a lack of things to write about, anyone who knows me will tell you I rarely fall short when it comes to words, but it almost seems to be the exact opposite. I think I have too much to say. Lately,…